Reason #'s 1,290 and 3,537.... Alternate title 'Happy New Year 2012'....

Reason #'s 1,290 and 3,537.... Alternate title  'Happy New Year 2012'....

Ahhhh....

As I posted on my page.... What a long, strange trip its been...

The kiddos are sleeping, and nothing really prophetic with them has happened today...

Bean made me promise to wake them up at Midnight for a celebration, but, quite frankly, we all know they will not wake up....

I will go in and cuddle them with love and kisses at midnight, but they will be none the wiser...

I don't know how to define this year... It has been so full of ups and downs... It's been full of reaching out to strangers... It's been full of being reached by strangers...  It's been full of finding some of the best friends in the world, who I will never meet... It's been full of re-connecting with friends that I may never see again...

Confidences made and confidences broken...

I am so grateful for the opportunities and outlets that this year has brought...

I am so thankful for our health and our happiness... I pray for a new year filled with love and strength and happiness and silliness and discovery....

2011  brought us many things... we can count them as good or bad...

2012 will bring us hope and love and confidence....

I am sure of it...

Happy New Year Peeps....

Word...

Reason # 3,526

Reason # 3,526... Alternate Title "The Literal Girl"...

Bean had a book report due this week.  The style of story for this report was "Fairy Tale".  Pretty easy,right... We have all grown up listening to Fairy Tales...

Once Upon A Time... The Princess, The Prince, The Witch.... These are all pretty common... We've all heard them and learned them and know them inside out...

But not my my girl...

She takes words for what they are.  She is very creative, but she is very literal.  She has a very tough time assigning figurative meanings to words and phrases...

Her Fairy Tale was 'The Frog Prince'... 

The Frog helps the Princess and makes her promise to be friends... She resists and is very mean to the Frog... Over and over again... At the end of the tale, she throws the Frog and it breaks the spell... The Frog turns into a Prince and they fall in love and get married...

Not the story that I would have picked for her, but she picked it out...

We talked about the story several times leading up to writing the book report...

We came to a question that asked 'What was the lesson/ What did you learn?'...

And, in her dead-pan literalism, she turned to me and said...

"If you throw a frog against a wall it turns into a prince..."

This brought flooding back to me memories of how difficult it was to explain what 'a piece of cake' and 'keep an eye out' were to explain to her...

It brought me to think about what other phrases might be difficult...

'Bend over backwards'

'Break a leg'

'Drive me up the wall'

'Everything but the kitchen sink'

'Keep your chin up'

'Kick the bucket'

'Lend me your ear'

'Let the cat out of the bag'

'On the fence'

'Over my dead body'

'Sick as a dog'

'You are what you eat'

I'm sure that there are a million more... Perhaps you can add a few that I should be aware of...

Reasons # 1,277 and 3,524

Reasons # 1,277 and 3,524... Alternate title... The oooohs and the cat wails...

For everyone who has followed our story, you will know that I love nothing more than the sounds of my children's voices....

I've struggled and fought and yearned to hear them...

Therefore, I hope that you respect my humor in this note...

It took almost 3 years to even hear a sound out of my dear girl, and almost as long to hear an intelligible word out of my boy...

Driving in the car today and they are singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"...

mamama yayaya lalala uhuhuh... SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!.... ahahahah blah blah blah.... heknowswhenyuaresleeping... HE KNOWS WHEN YOUR AWAKE!.....

Switching stations....

CeeLo Green...

Ahahahahahahahah.....OOOOO OOOOO OOOO OOOO.....

Switching stations....

Katy Perry...

achachac.... FIREWORK..... wahwahwah... FIREWORK...

The boys words are so hard to understand....

The girl is screeching, like nails on a chalkboard...

But, HOLY CRAP!!!!!

My kids are singing their hearts out and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!! 

Reason # 3,516

Had another one of those kind of 'AHA' moments tonight...  It took alot of circumstances to get to it, but, it did present itself...

Earlier tonight, at the Mall... Playing in the indoor playground or the 'fruit' (which actually is not fruit anymore  It's been replaced with ships and trucks and slides, but I will always know it as 'the fruit'...

Ellie came to me and told me that a little boy had called her a 'Monster'... Not the first time we've been to this rodeo, so Ellie know that I would handle the situation and she stayed composed...

Figured out who the little boys Mom was and approached her gently... You never know how Mommas are going to react... I explained to her what happened and that this would be a great opportunity to talk to her son about how some people are different and calling names just makes other kids sad... She was 100% receptive and we both had a chance to talk to her son and they were both awesome...

Win/ Win

A short time later...  I hear someone yelling to me, "What school does SHE go to???".  I wasn't sure of the intent of the question, so I surveyed the environment quickly... I noticed that she was pushing a stroller that held a small child, I thought maybe 3, who had a very severe cleft as well as other facial and cognitive anomolies... I switched modes and began to talk to her about how Ellie had attended a local school during Pre-K 3 and 4 that was awesome and the should look into it...

She started to posture and make random yells across the store... "You don't need to stare at her!... What's wrong with you?... Would you like it if I just stared at you!..."

I tried to talk to her about how kids are mostly just curious, and education is a much better reaction than confrontation, but she really did not want to listen... And, if nothing else, I know how to shut up...

Lose/Lose

We talked a little more about her daughter and I discovered that she was 5 years old and had a very rare genetic condition and she had survived much longer than anyone else with this syndrome... She went on to complain about how her daughter needed OT/PT/ST and she just couldn't get it...  I asked her where she was looking and she told me that her daughter was enrolled in a local daycare... No Early Steps, no Intervention... I tried to talk to her about local resources that were available to her and even tried to get her number or give her a number to a good friend who is so involved in the system and could get her in touch with the things that she needed, but she rebuffed the offer....

We wound up just parting ways... But, it made me sad.... and it made me think...

What if I had let MY circumstances just make me bitter and hardened... Unwilling to look for, or accept help and advice... Where would Ellie be know in her development?  Where would I be?  Would I just be filled with anger and solitude?

I know that I did not fully take advantage of all of the things that I could have for Ellie.  I know how hard it is to ask for help.  To admit that you need help...

I am so grateful that I chose to be a champion and advocate for my child, rather than be angry about our circumstance...

I shudder at the thought of having become angry or bitter... 

I am grateful everyday that my circumstance has resulted in me having a softer heart and an open mind...

Reason # 3,516

Reason # 3,508

Reason # 3,508

Thanksgiving was very different this year... We did not have a big family gathering, no amazing kitchen scenarios, no hearth song moments...

I promised my kids that we would do 'Thanksgiving'... but it had to be when it was ready...

On November 24th, we spent time together... We had fun and went to the beach... We ate turkey at a restaurant... We danced in snow...

I promised Bean that I would make a turkey and the sweet potatoes with marshmallows that she had been craving...

Nov 30th... Made a Turkey Breast and some awesome Sweet Potatoes.... Bean declared,"Thanksgiving!!!"

Dec 1st... Reheated the Turkey and awesome Sweet Potatoes (with some extra marshmallows) and some Green Beans...

Ellie declared... "We have had Thanksgiving Three Times!!!!"

I hope that she remembers that we have Thanksgiving 1..2...3... or a million times... Every day is our Thanksgiving...

Even if we are not eating the turkey and trimmings, we are Thankful everyday....

xoxo

Reason # 3,508

Reason # 1,259

Reason # 1,259... How can you not be sooooooo in love?

Had a random hour tonight alone with the boy... At Publix...

JJ loves to ride in the carts that look like race cars or space ships.  Being the responsible Mommas Boy that he is, he insists on putting on the seatbelt that secures him into a front facing position...

As we began finishing our quick jaunt to the store, JJ started crying- Insisting, to take off the seatbelt.  He turned around and said, "Mom, I love you- I want to kiss your eye"... And he proceeded to kiss me on the eyelid... Over the course of shopping, this extended to both eye lids, both cheeks, both ears, my nose and the top of my head...

How can I not be totally in love with this amazing kiddo...

Reason # 1,259... <3 <3 <3

Reasons # 3,500 and 1,254

Reasons # 3,500 and 1,254...

Cinnamon Pie and I don't want to want...

I've been trying to get into the whole 'Thanksgiving' thing this year, but it's been hard... Not to say that I'm not 'Thankful'.  I am filled with gratitude and I give thanks every minute of every day for the incredible blessings that I have... I'm just not all into the whole cooking and gathering thing this year...

Bean has been a little put off by the fact that we are not celebrating in a 'traditional' way this year, so in a last minute effort we made a night time trek to Publix on Thanksgiving Eve... I thought that it would be a horrible experience- filled with last minute shoppers crazed on filling their lists.  But, it was actually cool...

The store was crowded, but the kiddos were soooooo well behaved...We saw so many familiar faces (the employees at Publix know us VERY well...)  We were filled with well wishes and high fives and hugs.  It was a really nice trip to the grocery store...

I bought a small turkey breast and some pre-made sides and some cinnamon scented pine cones to make a centerpiece out of.  I don't know if we will have the turkey and sides tomorrow, but we will have a Thanksgiving meal at some point this weekend.

After we got home, Bean was coloring some pictures of Pilgrims and Turkeys that she brought home from school.  I put the pine cones in a basket and placed them in the center of the dining room table. She asked me what they were and I explained that they smelled like cinnamon and it was a nice scent in the house... Part of Beans dx/syndrome/anatomy is that she has no sense of smell.  She was very excited that the house would smell like cinnamon, although I'm not sure what that means to her.  She declared that anyone coming into our house would think that we were baking cinnamon pie... I don't know what a cinnamon pie is, but I am going to make sure that we have one this weekend..

JJ has a new thing... He responds "I don't want to want" to everything that he wants...

For example... "JJ, do you want to watch Cars?"... "No, I don't want to want to watch Cars" But, he really wants to watch Cars... "JJ, do you want a cookie?"... "No, I don't want to want a cookie."  But, he really wants a cookie...

Putting him to bed tonight, I told him, "JJ, I love you."  HIs response... "No, I don't want to want to love you"... For a split second, it made me sad- but, then my heart was filled with joy....

These kiddos just fill my heart and soul with Thanks and Gratitude... I hope that you all have a great weekend...

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Reasons # 1,247 and 3,493... Random...

Reasons # 1,247 and 3,493... Random...

Sometimes, its just the randomness that gets me through the day...

Bean had an appointment with her Plastic Surgeon today for a followup to make sure her incisions were healing well, no discomfort, etc... Even though he is a "Childrens Cranio Facial" specialist, he is still a Plastic Surgeon.  Today, Bean noticed the display of breast implants... She asked what they were, so I very honestly explained what they were... She looked at me, in disgust, and said, "When I grow up, I'm NOT doing THAT!!!"... hahaha... We finished our appointment and we were alone in the room.  As we were leaving, Bean walked back to the display and started squeezing each one... "Oooohhh they're so soft!!!"... Ugh... Let's go...

Fast forward through two hours of traffic and we finally picked up JJ... Had to run to Office Depot to run an errand...

As I'm looking through paper stock, I hear JJ squeal, "MOM!!!! Come here!".  I find him in the next aisle dancing and giggling and keeping the staff very well entertained... He discovered the display of Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrushes (btw, Thanks Tammy for giving me the heads up on these... haha).  He was hitting the dispaly button over and over again to play the songs over and over... Dancing like a fool... This could have led to HOURS of entertainment if I had not finally had to convince them that we HAD to go home and eat dinner tonight...

Random silliness and giggles... I so love these kiddos...

Reasons # 1,245 and 3,941....

Reasons # 1,245 and 3,941....  Thanksgiving...

Everyday this month, I've had friends posting on the fb about what they are grateful for... A month of gratitude broken down by day... Day #1: I am thankful for.... Day #2: I am thankful for....

I've been meaning to jump on this train and write out my gratitudes aech day, but the time just gets away from me...

Therefore, today, I am thankful and grateful... for these amazing little lives that touch my heart and soul every day in a way that I never thought possible.  Even when I am in my darkest place or my heart feels cold, they manage to pour into me a light that is brighter and hotter than a thousand suns...

There is never a day that goes by that I am not brought to the heights and depths of emotion for them.  When they are sad, I drown... When they laugh, I am elated with glee...

I love that, at the end of each day, I get to hold them tight and let our love and bond be their last memory as they float off into slumber...

The kids spent the day with their Dad on Sunday while I did some stuff... When I arrived hometo make dinner, JJ ran to me and had this wild look in his eyes.... A strange mix of fear and happiness... Almost like an actor portraying a crazed person... And he kept repeating, "You scared  me!"- In a kind of laughing, sing-song voice and hugging me non-stop...

After all had calmed down and dinner was done and we were getting ready for bed, JJ came to me and placed his hands on my cheeks, and looked into my eyes and said, very seriously,"You scared me."  He genuinely missed me during that course of 6 or so hours and it seemed to scare him that I wasn't coming back or something...

It really touched me, because it made me realize that *I* have the same impact on my kids that they have on me...

They truly are the Reasons Why I Love...

Reason # 3,481... The Half Hug...

Reason # 3,481... The Half Hug...

Evenings are usually a weird balance of manic and structure around here...

By the time I pick the kiddos up from Aftercare and Daycare there is a rush of stuff that needs to be done before bedtime...

Afterschool Activities, Homework, Dinner, BathTime, Bed Time...

It's alot to fit into a 2 or 3 hour window...

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are proving especially hard this year...

Tuesdays are her rehearsal night for her Dance Company.  I have promised her that, as long as she completes her homework, she can continue this...

Wednesdays are our Church Night- She has Bible Study or Praise Team.  Again, I have promised her that, as long as she completes her homework, she can continue this...

Both of these nights put us way out of our routine and we don't even get home for dinner until our normal bedtime...

It has been a challenge over the last few weeks to get home and eat and get ready for bed and for all of us to be nice to each other, because we're hungry and tired and out of routine... But, we're getting it done...

After Company Rehearsal tonight, I asked the kids to get their drinks and sit at the table while I got dinner ready...

I'm standing in front of the stove and I feel this tiny arm reach gently and quietly and quickly around me... And then it was gone...

I was amused at first and asked..."Bean!!!  What was that??? A half hug???"

She replied... "I know we're in a hurry... I'm going to the table with my drink..."

WHOA!!!!!!! WAIT!!!!! STOP!!!!!

We will NEVER be too busy or preoccupied in this house to give FULL HUGS!!!!  The next 10 minutes were filled with the AWESOME, AMAZING, SOUL FULFILLING HUGS that should NEVER be taken for granted...

I know that no one reads these silly notes of mine.... But, if even one person does read this, take the time to HUG and make that HUG SPECIAL... The person that you are giving the hug to is receiving more gifts than you will ever know...

Reasons # 1,218 and 3,474

I am, self-admittedly, a Disney Dork...

No... I'm NOT one of those Middle-Aged-Women-Who-Wear-Overalls-Or-Denim-Jackets-With-Winnie-The-Pooh-Or-TinkerBell-Embroidered-On-Them...

Yes... I AM a person who LOVES Main Street USA-Watching Parades-Seeing Princesses Make All Little Girls Feel Special-Seeing Princesses Make All Little Boys Feel Special-Seeing The Delight On The Face Of A Child High Fiving Mickey Mouse-Knowing In This Minute That The Innocence Prevails Over Ke$ha OrThe Latest Tween Star Bumping And Grinding-Watching Fireworks Over The Castle-Seeing Kiddos Light Up At Quincy As Much As SuperHeros-Dressing Up In Costumes-Cast Members Who Always Know The Extra Special Thing To Do Even If It Is As Simple As A Sticker Or Sharing A Secret Magic Kingdom Secret...

And, yes, I love the special moments and memories...

It's a simple as listening to my sweet, speech-delayed boy re-enact a scene from Fantasmic with huge enthusiasm, including incredible sound effects...

It's my almost tween girl being so excited that she drew a picture for Mickey Mouse and can't wait to give it to him because she believes that it will be just as special for him...

It's my beautiful girl dancing with the Radio Disney Crew with energy and no sense of being self conscious... Being a Rock Star...

It's my boy being so exhausted from happiness that he passes out before his head can hit the pillow...

It's all of the moments of just being silly and laughing and being excited and carefree...

It's nice to spend time away from Speech Therapy and Dr Appointments and Testing and Work and School and Schedules and, well, Just All Of It...

You can call me indulgent... I don't care...

In my mind, I'm already planning our next excursion... Where the Memories Begin...

"A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes... If You Keep Believing the Dream that You Wish Will Come True.."

Thank you Walt...

Reason # 1,210

John John Speak...

My awesome, beautiful, speech-delayed boy has his own language sometimes...

Lately, I've noticed his wonderfully unique way of naming movies or tv shows  that he wants to watch...

'Baby'
'Choo Choo'
'Dance'
'Intin'
'Drop It'
'Princess'
'Monkey'

To the untrained ear, these are very silly, random phrases or babbles... but, I love that I can determine what he wants...

Can you guess???

Baby = Justin Bieber 'Never Say Never'
Choo Choo = Chugginton on the Disney Channel
Dance = Ellies Dance Recital Videos
Intin = The Little Einsteins
Drop It = Rio
Princess = Beauty and the Beast
Monkey = The Lion King

I so love this boy!!!!

Reason # 3,464

I'm not sure which note that I want to write for 3,464... I have two... So I will write two completely unrelated notes in one...
First, I want to write about an incredible person who has touched Beans Life...
Mr. Mike... I've only had the pleasure of meeting him this week, but I've heard such wonderful things about him for a long time...
Mr. Mike works in the cafeteria at Beans school.  He has taken an incredible interest in her and is always asking her to teach him signs.  He is engaged and interested and exactly the kind of person that I want in Beans life.  I found out tonight that he is transferring to another school for a promotion.
I am so proud of him and his wonderful opportunity, but, I am sad that Bean will lose this beautiful soul who encourages her personality...
Second, I want to talk about 'self-soothing'...
This has always been an issue for Bean...
When she melts down, she melts down hard with very little chance of return...
Tonight she reminded me of something... I don't know why it felt so profound tonight, but it brought back a rush of emotions...
When Bean is coming out of a meltdown and needs soothing, she does this thing....
She puts her nose to my nose and runs it gently up to my forehead...  I put my nose to hers and run it gently up to her forehead...
It's so primitive and gentle and silly....
But, it's a very clear sign that she is back to herself...
I so love this girl...
Reason # 3,464

Reason # 3,462

Our Third Sleep Study, and she thinks that she is a pro...
But, tonight was the first time that she opened up and asked the Tech questions...
1,000,005 questions...
Why does this probe go there?  What does it do?  Why do you plug it into that hole?  How does that work?  What does that mean?  What if I "? insert ?", what will happen?  What about this probe?
She asked valid questions about how the brain works and how the equipment works...
It was brilliant!
When she was told that she would have a pin stick in the morning, she equated it to 'Ms Jennifer' and how she does her diabetes tests...
She was so brave and so smart...
The tech told me that she asked the best questions and offered the best answers of any child that he had tested...
So proud....
She made us laugh, and come up with appropriate answers...
And it made me sad...
How is it that this kiddo, that is sooooo smart and so curious, can't write out a sentence at school?  She can't spell out words and can't  come up with stories with words that are provided to her?  She cannot, despite all of her efforts, make her handwriting legible, but she can master scientific ideas?
I know that my girl will go far and succeed, but I fear that the road that she has to face in school is only going to stifle her...
She has been tested and tested, at my request, but no learning disabilites have been caught...
But, I know that they are there....
There is no way that a girl that is this smart, who is so perceptive, can be considered "failing"...
In the long run, she is going to teach us so much... I don't care what the scholastic tests tell us...
She is a brilliant little mind, and she will be keeping us on our toes for many years to come...
Reason # 3,462...

Reason #3,457

One of the challenges of raising a Hearing Impaired/Speech Delayed child is that their language is not always yours...

The primary language in our household is English, with Signing as support...

Beans primary language at school is English, with Signing as support...

Because she has so much support, she learns signs much faster and efficiently than I do.  I tend to rely on very basic Sign and fingerspelling and a kind of charades that we do if the language escapes us...

Is it a place?  Is it a person?  Is it big or small?  Can you show me where it is?  Can you act it out?

Can you be totally frustrated?

Tonight, it was about her "run" at school tomorrow....

B: Mom!  We're the (sign) Cats!
K: Your team name is The Cats?
B: No! It's the (sign) Cats (sign) Roar!
K: You're The Roaring Cats?
B: No! We're the (sign) Cats (sign) Roar (sign) Fast!!!!!
K: OK... You're the Fast Cats?
B: Mom!  No! We're the (sign) CAT (sign) FAST!!!!!

OK...

K: Beanie, please show me...

She went to her room and retrieved a stuffed animal Cheetah...

B: Mom! We are the fastest cat! The CHEETAH!!! That's our TEAM NAME!!! The Cheetahs!!!!

And it all falls into place... Once I saw the stuffed Cheetah, I understood every word after that...

Language is a funny thing... You either get it or you don't...

Bean made me get it...
GO CHEETAHS!!!!!!!!!!

Reason # 1,191

One of our bedtime rituals includes a book called "Tickle Monster"...

We have a version of the book that includes 'Tickle Hands'...

It is basically, two half hand gloves that are supposed to be the 'Tickle Monster' hands that tickle you... It adds a lot of fun and interaction to the story...

Our nights alternate between me being the 'Tickle Monster' and actually reading the book and providing tickles at the appropriate times and places throughout the story....

i.e. It's time to tickle your neck.... (and neck tickles ensue...)

And JJ 'reading' the story...

"I'm a monster... and I tickle!!!!!"

Followed by huge, random amounts of tickling...

"I love monster..."

Followed by huge, random amounts of tickling....

"Make silly faces..."

Followed by huge, random amounts of tickling...

How can you not go to bed happy after being tickled silly by one of your favorite people???

I recommend the book...

Reason # 1,191

Reason # 3,441

Bean: "Mom, How doesGod hear you?"
Me: "He hears you when he talks to him."
Bean: "I don't get it."
Me: "When you say words, they are also on your heart, and he can hear what is on your heart."
Bean: "What about Spanish?  Does God understand Spanish?"
Me: "Yes Bean... God understands every language."
*pause*
Bean: "But what about ASL?  If I'm signing, he can't hear my voice... No one can."
Me: "Beanie, God can always hear whatever you want him to hear... And he knows ASL"
Bean: "Oh..."
Man I love this girl...
Reason # 3,441

Reason # 3,438

Curriculum Night at Beans school....

Had the opportunity to meet her teachers... And I love them... They both seem so positive and outside of the box thinkers... I think that Bean will flourish in these classrooms...

But, that is not what this post is about...


It's about a game...
Each student was given a questionaire to fill out and the parents were asked to fill out the same questionare to see if your answers matched....

These are my correct answers:
Name:   Ellie Burns (This is important because most kids would answer with just their first names)
Favorite Food:   Spaghetti (This is a no brainer)
Favorite Color:  Purple ( The color that reminds her most of Justin Bieber)

These are my incorrect answers:
Favorite Book:  Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Favorite Place to Visit: Chuck E Cheese
Favorite Restaurant:  Applebees

I should have realised that she would have changed her favorite book, because she just started reading Judy Blume....
I should have realised her favorite restaurant.... We dont eat there often, but there is a local diner named "Ellies"...

Her favorite place to visit took me by surprise...

At least twice a week she asks to go to Chuck E Cheese... or Boomers (another local arcade/ride/money suck)... My alterenate responses were Disney or Los Angeles or New York... Because she always asks to go to those places, too...

Her answer was...

Camp Boggy Creek

I almost cried when I read that....

When I got home, I made sure to compare notes with her and I told her how proud I was that she picked Camp Boggy Creek as her favorite place to visit...

She made me promise to apply for the next Family Retreat...

An amazing place, shrouded in love and caring and joy...

I think that it is my favoritie place to visit, too...

Reason # 3,438

-210

The crazy things that bring you to where you are today...
I was in NY on Labor Day of 2001.  I had planned on staying for a week.  Personal Business called me home, abruptly...
I was, newly, pregnant with Bean and had just come off the sadness of a previous, recent miscarriage...
I was still on vacation from work on 9/11/01... Normally, I would have slept in, but on this day I chose to go to the living room and watch tv there... Half slumbering, just lounging and thinking...
I remember abruptly waking from my half slumber when the news of the first plane hit... It seemed odd... How can an experienced pilot do something like that...
My Mom called me and wanted to stay on the phone....
The second plane hit and the media was all over the place...
Minutes passed that felt like hours...
I screamed into the phone, "Oh my God!!! They're falling!!!!"
My mom responded, "It's ok... they're just on fire..."
I knew that she was not witnessing what I was witnessing....
In the hours and days that followed, we tried to contact friends and family.  We were informed that some were in the Search and Rescue Team... My heart goes out to them...
We, helplessly, watched hours and days of footage and prayed and hoped for any glimmer of rescue...
We mourned and felt tortured at the outcome.... Rescue dogs were not rescuing... Teams were not finding survivors...
Days and weeks later, we watched 'Documentaries'... Real life video...
I remember watching and hearing these random 'thud' noises... The reality is that the 'thud' was bodies hitting the ground... That noise will stay with me forever...
In those days, I struggled with what it meant to bring a child into this world...
Fast Forward 2010: A nearby park is host to a WTC beam.  We drove by it the other day and I began crying... Bean asked me why and I tried to explain, but I couldn't...
How do you try to explain to a child that 'sometimes bad people do bad things' without ruining their innocence?   I'm not ready to try to explain about Monsters yet...  She has her own Monsters...
Bean was born 210 days after 9/11
-210 is the Reason Why I Love...

Reasons # 3,433 and 1,174...

Reasons # 3,433 and 1,174...

I saw a post today that asked the question "What do you do to make your kids laugh?"...

It struck me as odd and contrived... Is there supposed to be a formula to make your kids laugh?  Is there supposed to be a specific guideline?  Did I miss that lesson, because G-d knows I never read the handbook. I never thought it applied to me... And I don't follow directions well, so if there is some flowchart out there,  would probably just miss a step anyway...

What do I do to make my kids laugh?

I don't know that I can put a finger on it... It just comes...

Bean has a very literal way about her... Sometimes I will say or do something that is so ordinary, but to her it is the funniest thing in the universe!  She will finish her hearty-machine-gun-laugh and ask me to repeat myself or recreate the moment... Again... And again... And again... Every time is met with the same innocent-laugh out loud-reckless abandon that only she possesses...

JJ has a very 'slap-stick' way about him... He loves physical humor... And prat falls and tickles... We play a game that we have called 'Happy Face/Very Sad'... One of us makes a sad face and the only goal is to make it into a happy face... It can go on for hours.... 

It's all random and funny and spontaneous.... Sometimes just a funny face will have us cracking up for minutes on end and all of a sudden it will be repeated days or weeks later to be followed by the same hysteria...

I don't ever want to follow a formula or guideline to make my kids laugh, or have them make me laugh...

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."  ~e.e. cummings

"What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul."  ~Yiddish Proverb

"You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."  ~Stephen King

"Laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life."  ~Hugh Sidey

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."  Charlie Chaplin

"A person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed."  Bennett Cerf 

Reason # 1,172

Reason # 1,172

While at the store today, the kiddos came across the school supply aisle and both got their minds set on getting a notebook.

Ellie, of course, picked out Justin Bieber.  John John picked out 'Speed'... He has a Lightning McQueen car that rattles and shakes and says, "Speed.... I am Speed..".  Therefore, Lightning McQueens name is now 'Speed'.

Walking out to the car, they each carried their own notebooks.  Filled with pride and dreams of what they would be filled with...

As we approached our car, there was an older woman parked next to us packing up her car with her purchases.  JJ ran up to her and immediately began his high-pitched, excited, almost un-intelligible babble... Her face lit up with delight...

"Um, um, I got, um, my speed, um, um, I go color, um, um, a-pakapaka, um, like that!!!"

The sweet woman giggled at JJ's charm and excitement...

As I began packing them into the car, the woman called out, "What is your name?"

JJ responded, with incredible clarity, "John John Burns."

I turned to him, wide-eyed, and yelled excitedly, "JJ!!!!!! You've never said you last name before!!!"  I had never heard him say it, and never expected it with such clarity!

Ellie joined in my excitement, clapping and yelling, "What's your name?" over and over.  Each time the same clear response...

For about three minutes, we were a trio of fools in the middle of the Target parking lot... Laughing, clapping and yelling back and forth to each other...

I hadn't noticed that the woman was still there, I had assumed she had driven away by now... When I turned around she was sitting in her car, watching us and laughing along with us...

She called out to me and tried to give me a 10 dollar bill... She said that it would give her great pleasure to buy a book for each of my children.  She said that it brought her joy to see us together and wished us God Blessings... I promised her that I would buy books for the kids, and she drove away smiling...

It was such a random interaction, but it makes me smile...

Any one want to join me at Barnes and Noble this weekend?

Reason # 1,169

Reason # 1,169

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mom. Mommy. Momma. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Momma. Momma. Momma....

Over and over again...

And finally, at bedtime.... 

Mom... Water/Ice.... (asking  for a glass of water before he goes to sleep)

Mom... Blankie/ Dog... (asking for his favorite toy and his blankie before he goes to sleep)

Mom... Sit... (asking me to sit next his bed before he goes to sleep)

I sit and wait for his breath to slumber...

And I'm reminded, again, how I am the luckiest Mom in the world...

Reason # 1,169... I so love this boy...

Reason # 3,424

Reason #3.424

This has not been the best week, as far as fostering a wonderful Mommy/Daughter relationship...

Bean is coming off of 2 back to back surgeries in less than a week.  Although we had many discussions prior to each surgery, neither of us had expected some of the physical and emotional repercussions that she is experiencing.

Due to the fact that I am the appointment setter, the Doctor visitor, the hospital driver, etc... I am the one that gets the brunt of her resentment.  

This and the fact that I 'made' her miss her first week of school.  Not only did she miss school and aftercare and her friends, but she had to come to work with me everyday, which is not very fun for a nine year old...

It has been a very tiring week...

We are finally home tonight and I'm listening to the kiddos watch Blues Clues as I make dinner.  They are laughing hysterically at some joke that I just don't get...

Out of nowhere, I feel her behind me snuggling her cheek into my back and wrapping her arms around my stomach...

"Bean!  You scared me!"

She giggles and hugs me a little tighter...

"Mom, this hug is for nothing... This hug is just because I love you..."

And- Just like that- All is good in the world again...