Ashamed...

Shame... or rather, Ashamed...

As we go through our lives, regardless of our beliefs or hopes or desire to believe... there is real life...

Real life has caused me to be jaded and skeptical... Who can you really trust?  Why should you trust in them?  Isn't everything just a scam, anyway????

I remember a time when I was the first one to pull out my spare change, or a dollar or two, to hand to everyone I saw... I encouraged Bean to hand the dollars to those that we believed were needy...

Now, every time that I see someone on a street corner, I assume that it's a scam... He's not really a Vet... He's not really sick... He's not really homeless... I've seen the news stories... They just don't want to work.... They make more money begging on the street corner...

Then, for a flash moment, I envision myself and my kids if the tides had turned for us... What if I needed to beg to get food for my kids... I'm not too proud... But, who would believe that it's true?  Not just another scam? Right around this time, the stoplight changes to green, and I can drive away and ponder...

This past weekend, I was at church and had just finished volunteering... I was feeling pretty good about doing something good... I went to the cafe to buy a bottle of water and while I was in line a man walked up across the line from me... He was clearly disheveled and looking longingly at the food on the counter across from us.... I tried to make eye contact with him, but he was focused on the food, yet hanging back... I knew that he needed to have something to eat and couldn't pay for it and my first instinct was to ask him what he needed... but my jaded mind kicked in... I hesitated... even though in my heart I 'knew' he needed something that coud have easily provided to him....

During that moment of hesitation, a person a few spaces back in line from me reached out to him... "Hey, Buddy, can I get you something?"  He replied, humbly, "Those bagels are too hard for me... Can I get a donut?"  The person behind me replied "Sure... Go get yourself a drink, too... I'll pay for it"...

I paid for my water and walked away crying, feeling very ashamed...

What fear and blackness in my heart would cause me to turn my back on someone that I so clearly knew in my heart was in need?

I know that, in this day and age, you need to be cautious... But, when do you let caution go and just believe that your heart is right?

One of my resolutions for this New Year is to let go of some of that caution and just trust my heart....

If I can do it for just one person, just for a frikkin' donut...

I can't remember the last time that I've felt so badly about doing something... Rather, NOT doing something...

Reason # 3,551

3,551... The Most Beautiful Girl in the World...

As I go through life with my 'special' kid, I realize more and more how important the NORMAL things are...

When Bean was younger, Birthday Party Invites were every weekend...

Because parents dictated the invitation list... You invite EVERYONE that your kid knows... You are forming relationships... 

As your child grows up, they form opinions about who is, and is not invited...

Kids begin to realize who is cool in their circle and who is not cool in their circle....

Bean has gotten less and less invites over the years...

Pre-teen girls have different standards... They are beginning to really get the 'real life' stuff... They don't want to hang with the weak ones that can be left behind....

They don't want the 'not cool' ones, the 'ugly' ones, the 'ones that don't fit in'....

We went to a party tonight... With an awesome group of girls... Who 'Got It'....

They know she is different, but, they include her in everything.... Their were a lot of girls tonight that had never met her before, but, not once, did I have to make the "Speech"... 

Not once did I have to explain about her differences....

Win/ Win...

But, this party also reminds me of the umpteenth other times that I have fend away all the other kids that call her 'weird' or 'ugly'....

Tonight was such an incredible blessing... I didn't have to bring out the speech....

But, I know that I will have to bring it out a million more times... 

Reason # 3,551... The Most Beautiful Girl in the World...

Reasons # 3,543 and 1,296... The Reasons Why I Love...

Reasons # 1,296 and 3,543... Alternate title "WTF????????"

I opened up my news browser and three of the first stories that came across were about young children and their untimely deaths at the hands of a 'loved one'.

1) "Grandma Jailed for Tossing Tot to Death"

2) "Mom Drowns Baby Live on Internet"

3) "New Tactic in Search for Missing Boy"

My heart is in pieces and my stomach is turning and my mind is, simply, confused....  How do these things happen???  There are so many people who are so desperate to have children in their lives to love.  There are so many people who have children that hold them dear, treasures to their hearts.  There are so many people who struggle and fight to keep their little ones alive and safe and healthy.  There are so many who grieve the ones that they have lost, far too soon...

How does this happen?  Let me break down each story for you...

1) "Grandma Jailed for Tossing Tot to Death"

Grandmother tosses a two year old off of a sixth story walkway.  Her 'excuse' is that the baby interfered with her daughters chances at a better life.  The child was an inconvenience.  She did not approve of the childs father....

2) "Mom Drowns Baby Live on Internet"

While looking for ways to 'discipline' her one year old for being too much of an inconvenience, she goes on line, on Skype with her boyfriend, and they 'discipline the child by holding her under the water... The child ultimately drowned...

3) "New Tactic in Search for Missing Boy"

After a mother gives multiple conflicting stories about her toddlers whereabouts, and is simply unable to determine to authorities where the child is after several days of being missing, the police have finally resorted to Cadaver Dogs to try to determine his fate...

If I don't know where my children are for an instant, I'm thrown into a panic... I can't tell you how many parents laugh at meat the park and playground... If I lose sight and sound of them, I will stop a conversation with the adult that I am talking with... I crouch down, like, in Tiger mode... I put on my 'listening ears'... My mind races to remember what color shirt they are wearing, so that I can focus on that while I scan the area... When I see them, I am instantly relieved and go on with my conversation...

I've, obviously heard these stories before, but over the last 9 1/2 years, I can't hear them with the same ears... As a parent, I can't fathom how the fuck this happens...  I understand that sometimes, arguably, there is mental illness involved and extreme circumstances... But this is no longer isolated 'Susan Smith' cases... It's EVERYDAY.... Several times a day...

I don't understand where the hard wiring of being maternal or paternal goes THAT wrong....

I'm listening to the kiddos snoring in the next room, and I am so comforted that they are close to me... But, I will go to sleep very sad tonight, grieving for these children that just wanted and needed and craved to be with their parents...

Reasons # 3,543 and 1,296... The Reasons Why I Love...

Reason # 3,541

Reason # 3,541

vul·ner·a·ble: adjective

1. Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

2. Open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: a argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

3.(of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

As we get prepared for another round of ortho and dental appointments, It made me feel kind of reflective... I forced myself to look at my personal fear of doctors and really take a good, hard look at what Beanie goes through... Being vulnerable...

The idea of laying on my back and having my mouth wide open brings on absolute panic attacks... Like, shoot me up with wine in my IV... Like, give me valium or something, to take away the anxiety... Like, I would rather stand in a room full of strangers and give a speech... And, if you know me, you know that the concept is debilitating...

And yet, she goes in... Like a Warrior... an absolute Fortress of Strength...

I feel ashamed that I have been so aloof that she should be so strong...

Oh, She's a tough kiddo... This is nothing for her...

If I were faced with the same shit, I would be crawled up in a corner and shaking and spitting and cursing...

Yet, she has this grace and strength and fortitude....

She is vulnerable to very few things in this hard, cold, cruel world...

I don't know, exactly, where she managed to get this overwhelming ability to just overcome everything...

She makes me embarrassed about my silly hang ups...

One of my resolutions this year is to try to feel less vulnerable....

Funny what a 9 year old can teach you about life...

She is the Reason Why I Love...

Reason #'s 1,290 and 3,537.... Alternate title 'Happy New Year 2012'....

Reason #'s 1,290 and 3,537.... Alternate title  'Happy New Year 2012'....

Ahhhh....

As I posted on my page.... What a long, strange trip its been...

The kiddos are sleeping, and nothing really prophetic with them has happened today...

Bean made me promise to wake them up at Midnight for a celebration, but, quite frankly, we all know they will not wake up....

I will go in and cuddle them with love and kisses at midnight, but they will be none the wiser...

I don't know how to define this year... It has been so full of ups and downs... It's been full of reaching out to strangers... It's been full of being reached by strangers...  It's been full of finding some of the best friends in the world, who I will never meet... It's been full of re-connecting with friends that I may never see again...

Confidences made and confidences broken...

I am so grateful for the opportunities and outlets that this year has brought...

I am so thankful for our health and our happiness... I pray for a new year filled with love and strength and happiness and silliness and discovery....

2011  brought us many things... we can count them as good or bad...

2012 will bring us hope and love and confidence....

I am sure of it...

Happy New Year Peeps....

Word...

Reason # 3,526

Reason # 3,526... Alternate Title "The Literal Girl"...

Bean had a book report due this week.  The style of story for this report was "Fairy Tale".  Pretty easy,right... We have all grown up listening to Fairy Tales...

Once Upon A Time... The Princess, The Prince, The Witch.... These are all pretty common... We've all heard them and learned them and know them inside out...

But not my my girl...

She takes words for what they are.  She is very creative, but she is very literal.  She has a very tough time assigning figurative meanings to words and phrases...

Her Fairy Tale was 'The Frog Prince'... 

The Frog helps the Princess and makes her promise to be friends... She resists and is very mean to the Frog... Over and over again... At the end of the tale, she throws the Frog and it breaks the spell... The Frog turns into a Prince and they fall in love and get married...

Not the story that I would have picked for her, but she picked it out...

We talked about the story several times leading up to writing the book report...

We came to a question that asked 'What was the lesson/ What did you learn?'...

And, in her dead-pan literalism, she turned to me and said...

"If you throw a frog against a wall it turns into a prince..."

This brought flooding back to me memories of how difficult it was to explain what 'a piece of cake' and 'keep an eye out' were to explain to her...

It brought me to think about what other phrases might be difficult...

'Bend over backwards'

'Break a leg'

'Drive me up the wall'

'Everything but the kitchen sink'

'Keep your chin up'

'Kick the bucket'

'Lend me your ear'

'Let the cat out of the bag'

'On the fence'

'Over my dead body'

'Sick as a dog'

'You are what you eat'

I'm sure that there are a million more... Perhaps you can add a few that I should be aware of...

Reasons # 1,277 and 3,524

Reasons # 1,277 and 3,524... Alternate title... The oooohs and the cat wails...

For everyone who has followed our story, you will know that I love nothing more than the sounds of my children's voices....

I've struggled and fought and yearned to hear them...

Therefore, I hope that you respect my humor in this note...

It took almost 3 years to even hear a sound out of my dear girl, and almost as long to hear an intelligible word out of my boy...

Driving in the car today and they are singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"...

mamama yayaya lalala uhuhuh... SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!.... ahahahah blah blah blah.... heknowswhenyuaresleeping... HE KNOWS WHEN YOUR AWAKE!.....

Switching stations....

CeeLo Green...

Ahahahahahahahah.....OOOOO OOOOO OOOO OOOO.....

Switching stations....

Katy Perry...

achachac.... FIREWORK..... wahwahwah... FIREWORK...

The boys words are so hard to understand....

The girl is screeching, like nails on a chalkboard...

But, HOLY CRAP!!!!!

My kids are singing their hearts out and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!