Reasons # 1,348 and 3,595...

Reasons # 1,348 and 3,595...

There are days that are extreme highs and there are days that are extreme lows...

Then, there are all of those days in between...

Days when life just happens... Days when Bean gets super excited about wearing a special shirt... Days when JJ decides that his Batman shirt is cooler than anything else in the world... There is nothing really special going on.

We eat breakfast.  We pack lunchboxes.  We decide if it's braids or hair down.  We decide which car is the coolest one today. We get dropped off.  We go to work.  We come home.  We eat.  We do homework.  We have our night time rituals.

But sometimes.... Just sometimes... During the course of these 'ordinary' days, something extraordinary happens...

Maybe it's as simple as someone holding the door for you.  The person in car line who waves you in.  The barista making a smiley face on your coffee.  Topping off the tank in your car just minutes before the price goes up 6 cents a gallon.  

But, there are also times that it is truly, truly extraordinary..

When someone reaches out to you and extends an offer that is so generous and thoughtful and selfless that you just stop in your tracks.  You are moved to tears...

I'm reminded today that there are people in this world that are amazing and generous... We are all in this world together and it makes it so much better when we really do 'pay it forward', instead of that just being a tag line on our facebok pages...

Please take the time today, and every day, to make it extraordinary... Not just for yourself, but for those around you...

Thank you to those 'someone specials'... I hope that I can remember, everyday, to follow your lead...

Reasons # 1,337 and 3,584

Reasons # 1,337 and 3,584

At what point do you let your children become your caretaker?

Some would argue: Never.

Some would argue: In old age.

After today, I would argue: When we need care, we take care of each other.

Who would imagine that a nine year old would be the mother figure?  Who would imagine that a three year old would take the doctor role?

I recently hurt my shoulder.  To the point that my left arm was useless.  I couldn't clothe myself without crying.  I could barely brush my own hair.  I could not lift my children to hug them.

It is temporary and getting better.  But, it threw a huge wrench into our lives...

I don't think I ever counted how many times a day I pick up my kids to hug them.  Or, how important it is to hug them both, with both arms.  How freely I scoop up a backback in one arm to hug a child with the other arm when picking them up from school.  How heavy a lunchbox can feel when your other hand is holding your childs hand.

Today, I realized all of that and more.  I realized that my children want to be much more responsible than I give them credit for.

From the moment thatI picked JJ up today, he has asked me to kiss my shoulder about twenty times... Kissing makes boo boos go away... He has asked if I needed a bandaid as many times... Bandaids make everything better... (He doesn't get the latex allergy thing... That's another post... LOL)

While making dinner, I was wincing in pain and probably more grumpy than I should have been.  Bean kept coming over to ask to help me and I just kept shooing her back to the table... "Just get drinks..."

I never really considered her offer to help...

When we sat down, she began to cry.  Sob.  Heaving.

"Mom... I'm a big girl... I'm supposed to help you... You're hurt and I can help you... Why can't I help you?"

Baby Girl... You're right.  You ARE a big girl.  You are such a blessing to me and I need to swallow my pride... You need to see that i hold you in great value, in my life and in our family...

After dinner, I went to lie down in bed with an ice pack and Bean entertained JJ with a movie... After the movie, we all got ready for bed...

JJ kissed my shoulder and Bean was officially put in the role of BICWMID... Bean In Charge When Mom Is Down... She is very proud of herself and I am even more proud...

I don't think that she realizes that with great power comes great responsibilty...

Tomorrow, she is being put on Dish Washer duty...

Reasons Why I Love...

Reason # 3,575

Reason #3,575....

Observation Week at Beans Dance Studio....

Tonight, I got to watch my girl...

Backstory:  I had been introduced to this particular studio because they offer an AMAZING dance class for Special Needs Dancers.  A Company called "Dreams Come True Dancers".  I thought that it would be a great fit for Bean.  Hearing Impaired, Non-Vocal, Multiple Surgeries, PT, OT, ST... Definitely not a typical kid to go into a typical dance enviornment.  I was fearful of how her hearing loss would affect her ability to enjoy the music and to participate.  On the day that we signed up, the owner of the studio took one look at Bean and proclaimed, "NO!"  She insisted that Bean be signed up for the 3 year old class... And we have never spent a moment looking back...

She's been taking dance for 5 years now.  She has progressed fram taking a simple "Creative Movement" class to participating in Ballet, Tap, Jazz, Hip-Hop, Acro and, most noteably, her schools Performing Company "Legacy"... 

She is surrounded by a group of teachers and students who are full of life and joy and passion...

As the years progress, I am filled with pride at her eagerness and her determination.  There are moments that just make my heart swell out of my chest.  There is one recital moment that I love to watch, both on the dvd and in my mind, over and over again.  The girls are performing to Toni Basil "Hey Mickey" and Bean has a brief moment that is all hers... Parents in the audience have watched her progress through the years and in that moment, to steal a sports phrase, the crowd goes wild!!!!  You can hear the audible cheer as Bean completes her cartwheels!  AMAZING!!!

Tonight, I watch these girls as they perfect their craft.  They are precise in their moves.  They are strong in their core.  They are passionate about the music and the movement...

Bean has the same passion, but as I watch her, it strikes me... She doesn't have that same precision and strength...

It makes me a little sad, but it also fills me with love...

I learned a new word today... Duende... My girl is "Tener Duende"... "Having Soul"... She may never be the best, but she will always love it the most... She will always be the one who puts her soul into it...

She is the Reason Why I Love...

Daily Reasons...3,572, 1,325 and 14865...

It's been a while since I've actually blogged, so I figured that I would share the last few Facebook updates...


February 4, 2012
After a really crappy day, it's nice to be reminded of the other side... My Mom called me tonight to ask me if I remembered what tomorrow was... I honestly had no idea of the date... 2/5/1971... The anniversary of the day that my adoptive parents brought me home... 41 years of being loved by the people that CHOSE me... Thank you Mommy and Pop... You have guided me through life and helped me be the person that I am today... You've helped me become the Person and Mother that I am and I am proud to have you in my corner...


February 3, 2012
I love that Baby Boy gets excited... About everything. Even if he's not really sure what that thing is, in his mind it's exciting. He squeals and laughs and jumps for joy...
In honor of Superbowl Weekend, JJ's Daycare had "Jersey Day" today. We are not a family that follows sports, but Bean LOVES the Miami Dolphins, so JJ got to wear a Dolphins jersey today...
He gladly and excitedly proclaimed to everyone that we came across this morning that...
"This is my shirt... Dolphins.... Gonna shoot a basket!!!!"
hahahahaha!!!!!!! I sooooo love this boy ♥


January 31, 2012
I can think of nothing that I love more then snuggling with the kiddos to wake them up in the morning... Still feeling warm from being wrapped in blankets... Half-asleep, groggy whispers of "Good Morning Mommy"... Watching the first smile of the day emerge...


January 27, 2012...
They are having "Snow Day" at JJ's day care today.... Basically a huge pile of crushed and shaved ice that the kids get to play in until it melts... JJ was so excited that he borrowed a pair of Ellie's 'glubs' to play in the snow... When we pulled in this morning the truck was there with two guys offloading the pile of snow... JJ ran over to the truck and yelled, "Mom! Mom! It's Snow!!!! And Snow Men!!!" hahahaha I love this boy!!!

Ashamed...

Shame... or rather, Ashamed...

As we go through our lives, regardless of our beliefs or hopes or desire to believe... there is real life...

Real life has caused me to be jaded and skeptical... Who can you really trust?  Why should you trust in them?  Isn't everything just a scam, anyway????

I remember a time when I was the first one to pull out my spare change, or a dollar or two, to hand to everyone I saw... I encouraged Bean to hand the dollars to those that we believed were needy...

Now, every time that I see someone on a street corner, I assume that it's a scam... He's not really a Vet... He's not really sick... He's not really homeless... I've seen the news stories... They just don't want to work.... They make more money begging on the street corner...

Then, for a flash moment, I envision myself and my kids if the tides had turned for us... What if I needed to beg to get food for my kids... I'm not too proud... But, who would believe that it's true?  Not just another scam? Right around this time, the stoplight changes to green, and I can drive away and ponder...

This past weekend, I was at church and had just finished volunteering... I was feeling pretty good about doing something good... I went to the cafe to buy a bottle of water and while I was in line a man walked up across the line from me... He was clearly disheveled and looking longingly at the food on the counter across from us.... I tried to make eye contact with him, but he was focused on the food, yet hanging back... I knew that he needed to have something to eat and couldn't pay for it and my first instinct was to ask him what he needed... but my jaded mind kicked in... I hesitated... even though in my heart I 'knew' he needed something that coud have easily provided to him....

During that moment of hesitation, a person a few spaces back in line from me reached out to him... "Hey, Buddy, can I get you something?"  He replied, humbly, "Those bagels are too hard for me... Can I get a donut?"  The person behind me replied "Sure... Go get yourself a drink, too... I'll pay for it"...

I paid for my water and walked away crying, feeling very ashamed...

What fear and blackness in my heart would cause me to turn my back on someone that I so clearly knew in my heart was in need?

I know that, in this day and age, you need to be cautious... But, when do you let caution go and just believe that your heart is right?

One of my resolutions for this New Year is to let go of some of that caution and just trust my heart....

If I can do it for just one person, just for a frikkin' donut...

I can't remember the last time that I've felt so badly about doing something... Rather, NOT doing something...

Reason # 3,551

3,551... The Most Beautiful Girl in the World...

As I go through life with my 'special' kid, I realize more and more how important the NORMAL things are...

When Bean was younger, Birthday Party Invites were every weekend...

Because parents dictated the invitation list... You invite EVERYONE that your kid knows... You are forming relationships... 

As your child grows up, they form opinions about who is, and is not invited...

Kids begin to realize who is cool in their circle and who is not cool in their circle....

Bean has gotten less and less invites over the years...

Pre-teen girls have different standards... They are beginning to really get the 'real life' stuff... They don't want to hang with the weak ones that can be left behind....

They don't want the 'not cool' ones, the 'ugly' ones, the 'ones that don't fit in'....

We went to a party tonight... With an awesome group of girls... Who 'Got It'....

They know she is different, but, they include her in everything.... Their were a lot of girls tonight that had never met her before, but, not once, did I have to make the "Speech"... 

Not once did I have to explain about her differences....

Win/ Win...

But, this party also reminds me of the umpteenth other times that I have fend away all the other kids that call her 'weird' or 'ugly'....

Tonight was such an incredible blessing... I didn't have to bring out the speech....

But, I know that I will have to bring it out a million more times... 

Reason # 3,551... The Most Beautiful Girl in the World...

Reasons # 3,543 and 1,296... The Reasons Why I Love...

Reasons # 1,296 and 3,543... Alternate title "WTF????????"

I opened up my news browser and three of the first stories that came across were about young children and their untimely deaths at the hands of a 'loved one'.

1) "Grandma Jailed for Tossing Tot to Death"

2) "Mom Drowns Baby Live on Internet"

3) "New Tactic in Search for Missing Boy"

My heart is in pieces and my stomach is turning and my mind is, simply, confused....  How do these things happen???  There are so many people who are so desperate to have children in their lives to love.  There are so many people who have children that hold them dear, treasures to their hearts.  There are so many people who struggle and fight to keep their little ones alive and safe and healthy.  There are so many who grieve the ones that they have lost, far too soon...

How does this happen?  Let me break down each story for you...

1) "Grandma Jailed for Tossing Tot to Death"

Grandmother tosses a two year old off of a sixth story walkway.  Her 'excuse' is that the baby interfered with her daughters chances at a better life.  The child was an inconvenience.  She did not approve of the childs father....

2) "Mom Drowns Baby Live on Internet"

While looking for ways to 'discipline' her one year old for being too much of an inconvenience, she goes on line, on Skype with her boyfriend, and they 'discipline the child by holding her under the water... The child ultimately drowned...

3) "New Tactic in Search for Missing Boy"

After a mother gives multiple conflicting stories about her toddlers whereabouts, and is simply unable to determine to authorities where the child is after several days of being missing, the police have finally resorted to Cadaver Dogs to try to determine his fate...

If I don't know where my children are for an instant, I'm thrown into a panic... I can't tell you how many parents laugh at meat the park and playground... If I lose sight and sound of them, I will stop a conversation with the adult that I am talking with... I crouch down, like, in Tiger mode... I put on my 'listening ears'... My mind races to remember what color shirt they are wearing, so that I can focus on that while I scan the area... When I see them, I am instantly relieved and go on with my conversation...

I've, obviously heard these stories before, but over the last 9 1/2 years, I can't hear them with the same ears... As a parent, I can't fathom how the fuck this happens...  I understand that sometimes, arguably, there is mental illness involved and extreme circumstances... But this is no longer isolated 'Susan Smith' cases... It's EVERYDAY.... Several times a day...

I don't understand where the hard wiring of being maternal or paternal goes THAT wrong....

I'm listening to the kiddos snoring in the next room, and I am so comforted that they are close to me... But, I will go to sleep very sad tonight, grieving for these children that just wanted and needed and craved to be with their parents...

Reasons # 3,543 and 1,296... The Reasons Why I Love...