Reason # 3,760... Claiming your own reality...

Reason # 3,760... Claiming your own reality...

I had a very sad conversation with a stranger at the grocery store. It was an exchange that forced me to remember some things that are so diatant, that they really don't feel real to me...

A woman walked into the store behind Beanie, JJ and myself.  She tapped me lightly on the shoulder and asked me if I would mind if she asked me a question...

Of course not... This isn't my first time at the rodeo... I'm used to strangers asking me about Bean and what is 'wrong' with her...

"How did you bring yourself to go out in public with your child?"

WTF??? No you didn't just go there!!!! Every protective Mom bone in my body flared like a Lioness ready to pounce!!!  I knew that in that instant I had a choice... To react... or to take the deepest breath possible and walk into this conversation with an open mind... 

She must have sensed her phrasing was not appropriate, and she began to tell me about her son.  Not very much, only that he is 'Special Needs' and that she is embarrassed to take him out in public.  She asked me if I had ever been embarrassed and how I moved past it...

I immediately thought back to two specific times, when Beanie was still an infant, that I did let myself feel 'off' for having her out with me... I wouldn't say 'embarrased', but I had this weird perspective that I was ruining everyone elses moment by having her there...

We were at a Dr appt and she started getting 'junky'... For those of you that are not living in the 'trach world', 'junky' is when your secretions/snot become kind of dry and thick.  Your trach doesn't have all of the cool hairs and defense mechanisms that your real nose has... Parents of kids with trachs travel AT ALL TIMES with a suction machine (among other things).  It is, basically, a VERY LOUD, portable vacuum that sucks yucky, stuck junk out of your trach. I was embarrassed to suction her in the waiting room because I felt like everyone would be all judgy and shit... I rolled her out into the hallway and performed her suction... And almost missed our Dr appt... That we had waited a long time for... And driven a long way for... Really...

If a parent had chosen to blow their childs nose or have him cough into a tissue, that would be totally normal and fine...Why should this be any different...

The next time, we were at the mall and Beanie was on schedule to eat.  At this time, Beanie was still 100% feeding tube dependent and still had this huge foley that we kept inside her diaper when not in use.  She was in a onesie and I had to undo the onesie and the diaper to get the foley out.  I then had to do a gravity feed through the tube.  I remember the feeling of people kind of looking sideways at us and feeling uncomfortable... I fed her quickly, then covered her back up... Then, I felt the pang...

If a Mom had given her child a bottle or had chosen to breast feed at the mall,no one would look twice... Why should I feel uncomfortable for giving my child nutrition???

I explained both of these situations to the Mom that I was talking to... I hate that I ever felt that way, but maybe, by me having those small moments of doubt and feeling self-conscious, I can help someone else realize that they don't have to... Their child should be their Joy...

I'm really glad that I decided to take that breath... Hopefully it will help to change her perspective...

When we parted ways, she told me that she was very glad to have had the conversation and it gave her alot to think about....