Reason # 1,169

Reason # 1,169

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mom. Mommy. Momma. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Momma. Momma. Momma....

Over and over again...

And finally, at bedtime.... 

Mom... Water/Ice.... (asking  for a glass of water before he goes to sleep)

Mom... Blankie/ Dog... (asking for his favorite toy and his blankie before he goes to sleep)

Mom... Sit... (asking me to sit next his bed before he goes to sleep)

I sit and wait for his breath to slumber...

And I'm reminded, again, how I am the luckiest Mom in the world...

Reason # 1,169... I so love this boy...

Reason # 3,424

Reason #3.424

This has not been the best week, as far as fostering a wonderful Mommy/Daughter relationship...

Bean is coming off of 2 back to back surgeries in less than a week.  Although we had many discussions prior to each surgery, neither of us had expected some of the physical and emotional repercussions that she is experiencing.

Due to the fact that I am the appointment setter, the Doctor visitor, the hospital driver, etc... I am the one that gets the brunt of her resentment.  

This and the fact that I 'made' her miss her first week of school.  Not only did she miss school and aftercare and her friends, but she had to come to work with me everyday, which is not very fun for a nine year old...

It has been a very tiring week...

We are finally home tonight and I'm listening to the kiddos watch Blues Clues as I make dinner.  They are laughing hysterically at some joke that I just don't get...

Out of nowhere, I feel her behind me snuggling her cheek into my back and wrapping her arms around my stomach...

"Bean!  You scared me!"

She giggles and hugs me a little tighter...

"Mom, this hug is for nothing... This hug is just because I love you..."

And- Just like that- All is good in the world again...

Reason # 3,417

brave

 [breyv] adjective, brav·er, brav·est, noun, verb, braved, brav·ing.–adjective

1.possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.

2.making a fine appearance.

3.Archaic . excellent; fine; admirable.

I'm always a little taken back when people tell me that I am Brave...

Me...

I don't see it, and I don't believe it... When you look at the definition of Brave, it is not me...

This is what I am...

Mom, Chauffer, Concierge, Advocate, Boo Boo Healer, Monster Slayer, Food Preparer, Clothes Cleaner, Dog Walker, Pirate Captain, Finder of Lost Stuff, ATM, Alarm Clock, Book Reader, Personal Shopper...

None of these things falls into the definition of Brave...

Bean is Brave... Fighting past her fears, fighting through her pain, fighting through adversity... Showing courage in all facets of her life.

And always, ALWAYS, coming out of it and being able to regain her laugh, her smile, her charm, and most importantly.... the ability to just be a child.

She is a Warrior.  A Champion. A Fighter.  And yet, still vulnerable...

This morning, I donned the space suit and put on the sterile cap.  We walked hand in hand down the sterile corridor.  To the 'White Room'.  She bravely climbed up on the table and took the mask from the anesthesiologist.  We hug, chest to chest and hold the mask together.  Whispering "I love you" until she falls limp against me.

For the next few hours I am shrouded in anxiety, but I know that she will come out the other side of this with the same grace and tenacity that defines who she is... 

I so love this girl...

Reason # 3,411

Reason # 3,411

Alternate Title:  Another Reason Why I Should Be Nominated Mom of the Year

About three weeks ago, I gave Bean and JJ new, behind-the-door hanging laundry hampers...

Our usual dirty laundry spots are:

Moms Bathroom on the floor

Kids Bathroom on the floor

Beans Room on the floor

JJ's Room on the floor

Hamper in Moms Room

Bean went away to camp for 5 days and I, obviously, never checked her room... Checked all of the other spots and continued in my downward spiral of laundry hell... I have no idea how three people can create so much laundry...

Since she has been home, I've been looking for two camp shirts that she needs for this week... She told me that they were in the laundry, but, I could not find them... They need to be clean for Tuesday...

I had actually, almost forgotten about the hampers... JJ is still a little young to expect results, and Beans was just forgotten...

Fast Forward:

Tonight... Gathering another damned load... I looked behind Beans door...

It has about 3 days of laundry in it...

She still threw clothes on the bathroom floor, but she also took the time to use the hamper...

Guess what... The shirts are in there... She has been acting responsibly and I just didn't notice... 

I need to give her big hugs when she wakes up in the morning, because she certainly told me... 

Reason # 3,411

Reason # 3,409

Reason # 3,409

Alternate Title: Why Camp is Awesome and Reality Just Sucks....

You can use whichever one you like...

Bean went away to sleep away camp for the first time ever.  Five nights. Five nights in an awesome, loving, respectful- and medically equipped- camp.

We picked her up this morning.  Pulling up to see her smiling and waving and hugging her friends, just gave me chills.  Yeah... This is the way it is always supposed to be...

She started filling us up with snippets of her joyful time...

"I Hula Hooped in front of the whole camp on stage"

"I rode a horse named Strong Boy"

"I swam"

"The campfire"

"This is my key for camp"

"I made friends"

"We all wrote notes"

"I learned a cheer"

"I shot a juice box with a bow and arrow" 

*** I did save this one for last because I was very impressed.  I think that the only way that I could hit a juice box with a bow and arrow is if I were swinging it like a baseball bat...

The ride home was filled with laughter and sass... I was so filled with pride that my little girl did so great independently...

We decided to stop for a late breakfast.  It was mid morning and we had left pretty early to make the 4 hour drive... And, my girl is never one to refuse food...

After eating, I wash ushering Bean and JJ to the restroom before we left.  Halfway across the dining room was a set of bubbly, energetic, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, 5 year old twin girls.

One exclaimed, "That girl has crazy eyes."

A mere observation, not meant to be harmful or mean.  They immediately went back to their own world of doing whatever twins or sisters do...

But that was all that it took.

Bean looked at me with exasperation in her eyes.  (btw, a nine year old should never look exasperated...)

"Do you see what I mean?  This is what I have to deal with!!!"

I've never witnessed her being so eloquent in trying to deal with this type of situation.  I tried to explain to her that they were just little kids and they didn't know any better... She is usually pretty understanding of this...

Fast forward to the car in the parking lot...

I heard things come out of my sweet girls mouth that I never want to hear.  I knew that they would come someday, but I still don't want to hear them... especially not today... All of that love and security and joy ruined in a moment...

"Mom, I have to deal with this all the time.  All the time kids say I look weird!  I try to make little kids like me, but they don't want to be my friend... Why don't they want to be my friend?"

I try to remind her of the good friends that she does have... S, B, M, A, her cousins who love her so much...

"But the little kids don't like me..." 

I go around to the trunk of the car to retrieve her "blankie" to try to offer her some comfort... As I give it to her she says, "They always say I look weird.  I just want to be NORMAL!  I don't want to talk about it." And she wraps the blanket around her like a cocoon and begins to sob.  Heaving sobs. When I try to speak to her, I am countered with...

"I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It."

All that I can do is stand there in the fucking parking lot, hugging her and trying to offer wordless comfort...

When she finally settles down enough that we can drive, I walk around to the back of the car and just cry... But, only for a second, because I don't want her to see me...

As we drove, she started to lift in spirits, and by this evening she was full of belly laughs and tickles with JJ... My girl is back to herself... She is awesome and funny and charming...

But, I'm still left heartbroken...