Reason # 3,409

Reason # 3,409

Alternate Title: Why Camp is Awesome and Reality Just Sucks....

You can use whichever one you like...

Bean went away to sleep away camp for the first time ever.  Five nights. Five nights in an awesome, loving, respectful- and medically equipped- camp.

We picked her up this morning.  Pulling up to see her smiling and waving and hugging her friends, just gave me chills.  Yeah... This is the way it is always supposed to be...

She started filling us up with snippets of her joyful time...

"I Hula Hooped in front of the whole camp on stage"

"I rode a horse named Strong Boy"

"I swam"

"The campfire"

"This is my key for camp"

"I made friends"

"We all wrote notes"

"I learned a cheer"

"I shot a juice box with a bow and arrow" 

*** I did save this one for last because I was very impressed.  I think that the only way that I could hit a juice box with a bow and arrow is if I were swinging it like a baseball bat...

The ride home was filled with laughter and sass... I was so filled with pride that my little girl did so great independently...

We decided to stop for a late breakfast.  It was mid morning and we had left pretty early to make the 4 hour drive... And, my girl is never one to refuse food...

After eating, I wash ushering Bean and JJ to the restroom before we left.  Halfway across the dining room was a set of bubbly, energetic, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, 5 year old twin girls.

One exclaimed, "That girl has crazy eyes."

A mere observation, not meant to be harmful or mean.  They immediately went back to their own world of doing whatever twins or sisters do...

But that was all that it took.

Bean looked at me with exasperation in her eyes.  (btw, a nine year old should never look exasperated...)

"Do you see what I mean?  This is what I have to deal with!!!"

I've never witnessed her being so eloquent in trying to deal with this type of situation.  I tried to explain to her that they were just little kids and they didn't know any better... She is usually pretty understanding of this...

Fast forward to the car in the parking lot...

I heard things come out of my sweet girls mouth that I never want to hear.  I knew that they would come someday, but I still don't want to hear them... especially not today... All of that love and security and joy ruined in a moment...

"Mom, I have to deal with this all the time.  All the time kids say I look weird!  I try to make little kids like me, but they don't want to be my friend... Why don't they want to be my friend?"

I try to remind her of the good friends that she does have... S, B, M, A, her cousins who love her so much...

"But the little kids don't like me..." 

I go around to the trunk of the car to retrieve her "blankie" to try to offer her some comfort... As I give it to her she says, "They always say I look weird.  I just want to be NORMAL!  I don't want to talk about it." And she wraps the blanket around her like a cocoon and begins to sob.  Heaving sobs. When I try to speak to her, I am countered with...

"I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It."

All that I can do is stand there in the fucking parking lot, hugging her and trying to offer wordless comfort...

When she finally settles down enough that we can drive, I walk around to the back of the car and just cry... But, only for a second, because I don't want her to see me...

As we drove, she started to lift in spirits, and by this evening she was full of belly laughs and tickles with JJ... My girl is back to herself... She is awesome and funny and charming...

But, I'm still left heartbroken...