Reason # 730... But 730 will be addressed again and again and again...

Every thing comes back to that day...

4/1/04  Reason #730... That is the day that she was gone... she was blue... she coded... Her heart stopped...My heart stopped... She coded... I coded...

 Reason #739- ... She started to come back... not completely... but, she came back... 

Reason # 740... We had her 2nd Birthday Party... Her features were dropped and she sat very still, but it was a celebration of her life... Everything from this day forward is a "Reason".

Every day from that day forward is a milestone for the girl who should have been gone...

I may have my numbers off, leap years and such,  but these notes are a reminder of the days that I have and that I treasure...

Reasons # 3,240 & 984

"Social Networking"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that any of the following is "wrong" or "silly".  It just is what it is.  I've found myself falling into each of these types...

"Show Offs"

I look at their updates and photos and can't help but wonder how they get to live their lives so carefree.  Don't their kids get the same homework?  Don't they have laundry to do?  Don't their dogs puke on the carpet? How do they get to go to the beach "every" day?  How do they have the money to go on vacation "every" month?

"Complainers"

I look at their updates and can't help wonder how they manage to get out of bed in the morning.  There seems to be a constant black cloud and anvil hanging over their heads Nothing can bring them joy.  I know that I complain about laundry and homework and dog puke... But- Come on.. You can't complain about laundry, homework and dog puke "every" day...

"Documenters"

I look at their updates and photos and I have a sneak peek into their life.  Their likes and dislikes.  Their daily highs and lows.  I love this because there are so many people that I don't get to keep up with and I want to know about birthdays and good days and bad days... But, do I need to know that you just ate a scone?  (Yeah, I know that I've been guilty of that too...)

"Friends Who Are Going Through Un-Imaginable Pain"

When I read these updates, I sometimes have to hold my breath just to get through them.  My heart sinks into my stomach.  Some, I can relate to on deep, personal levels.  And they make me re-live personal hells.  Some simply move me because I am amazed at the strength to endure something that I have never been faced with.  Either way, no one should have to go through these things, especially without being able to share.  Sharing in this type of forum is, somehow, cleansing and relieving...

For the joys and good times that I share...

For the down days and crap that I share...

For allowing you a glimpse into my life...

For allowing me to sympathize and receive sympathy... The thoughtfulness, understanding and encouragement of others....

These are Reasons # 3,240 & 984

Reasons # 3237 & 981

I'm up late again....

Listening to my Baby Boy fight a fever and cough and hoping that it's nothing more than just a "Daycare" bug...

Listening to Bean snore her loud "Apnea" breaths and hoping that her sleep will be well enough to get her through the day tomorrow without another debilitating headache,,,

And I'm reminded, painfully so, that I am so blessed...

Despite the struggles that we have been though, we are strong and mostly healthy.  Don't get me wrong, I will *always* struggle with Beans airways issues- But, I know what to look for and monitor...

Tonight, a friend is struggling with their Little having so many more issues... They are struggling for Sunrise...

I've been there... I've felt that anxiety and helplessness... I have felt at odds with/ completely dependant with the doctors and nurses...

I am sending up so many prayers and good wishes to to this Boy and his Family... And it helps me to appreciate what I have...

This is reason # 3,237 and 981 why I love my Kiddos more than life...

Baby Zac... Be Strong...

Reasons# 3235 and 979

I don't know what to say about today...

Nothing really awesome happened today, just everyday stuff...

This is the way that the day went...

JJ woke up early and decided that he wanted juice.  Instead of coming in to wake me and ask me for juice (which would be the logical order of things...), he went to the fridge, got the juice, opened it and proceeded to pour it onto my bed.... Quite a rude awakening!  Not the way that I would like him to ask for juice, but he did make his point clear... Kudos to my speech delayed boy...

Bean asked to go to church... not a weekly happening in our house, but one that I will not deny....

Then off to Nanny and Poppy's house....

Then off to visit our favorite cousins....

Then home for dinner...

Bath...

Bedtime...

Then, Bean asks me to tell her a story... "A story about me..."  I tell her about when she entered Pre-K 3 (part of the state funded "special needs" pre-k).  I tell her about Ms Laura and her daily routine and about our morning drop off routine...

The parent drop off was right outside Beans classroom... Every morning I would drop her off and she would walk to the window.  I would leave the classroom, leave the school and walk to the outside of her classroom window.  We would each sign ILY and blow a kiss... It was always a beautiful way to start the day... 

These are reasons # 3235 and 979 why I love my kiddos more than life... Regardless if it is a great beginning of the day or a rough beginning of the day- It's always the beginning of the day with them... And it will always be great...

Reason # 978

I once read something about a boys love for their Mother.  Don't ask me for references or authors, because as hard as I try, I can't remember... I just remember the general idea of it 'sticking' with me... I had read this far before JJ was even a dream to me...

The inference was that sons have an intense love for their Mother.  It burns strong and true.  They see their Mother as the most beautiful and loved person in their life.  The adoration and bond is beyond compare.

However, there comes a day when another will come along... A first crush... A first forbidden glimpse... A first love... And from that day forward, the Mother never again holds that throne... She is still beautiful and she is still loved, but she will never again be the most loved or the most cherished...

Someone told me today that I "never have to worry about John John leaving.  He loves you so much."  The person who said this to me meant it in the best intention, but in light of my recent path it just made me sad and made me cry...

It made me realize that, regardless of the relationship- Boyfriend, Husband, Son... Boys always leave...

This is Reason # 978 why I love my boy more than life... At least for now, I am the most important woman in his world...

Reason # 3233

Bean: Mom!  Mom!  I know what I want my birthday party to be!!!!

Mom: Yeah. What?

Bean: Justin Bieber!!!!

Mom: OK. You want a Justin Bieber birthday party?

Bean: No.  I want a Chuck E Cheese birthday party, but Justin Bieber will be there.

Mom: You want Justin Bieber to come to Chuck E Cheese for your birthday party?

Bean: Yes.

Mom: Probably not gonna happen...

Bean: But, Daddy knows Justin Bieber.

Mom: No.  He doesn't...

Bean: Yeah!  He knows his friend, or a friend of a friend, or something.... whatever...

Gotta love the 8 year old grasp of social networking....

This is reason # 3233 why I love my girl more than life...

Reason # 3234

Bean performed in her Elementary School Talent Show tonight...

She actually "performed" three times.  She did a hula hoop performance to the song "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz.  She performed with her ASL club.  She participated in the Grand Finale...

All this week she has been telling me that she is a little nervous to perform.  I had assumed it was the hula hoop performance that she was nervous about.  I assured her all week that it is all just for fun.  Do your best, smile and have fun with it...

Earlier today she finally told me that she was ok with the hula performance, she was nervous about the ASL club performance... ???... I was floored.. "Bean, ASL is your second language... What can you be nervous about?"  Turns out, she felt alot more pressure to excel in that performance...

Let me give you some background... I transferred Bean into DKE when she started 1st grade (after being in various combinations of ESE/ DHH classrooms).  She is now in 2nd grade and just thriving in this enviornment...  She is paired with an INCREDIBLE ASL interpretor who just 'gets'  her and really allows her to be independent while constantly shadowing her... Ms Jennifer approached me last year asking if I thought it would be ok to start an afterschool club to teach kids ASL... WOW!!!! Neither one of us thought that it would catch on, but it became one of the most popular afterschool clubs! So many have signed up and are just committed!  I have no words to describe how happy it makes me to see kids address Ellie by her sign name, or just sign to each other- because they can and they want to.... 

I asked Bean why she was so nervous about the Signing Time song that they were going to do.  She has been signing since she was 6 months old.  She can sign circles around me.  Signing is as natural to her as English...

She told me...

"They practice all of the time... What if I forget the words?"  It had absolutely nothing to do with language, she just honestly did not want to let her group down if she forgot the words to the song...

This is reason # 3234 why I love my girl more than life

Reason #975

Baby Boy is not a cuddler.  

He gives amazing hugs, kisses freely and says "I Love You" in the sweetest sing-song voice that will melt your heart.  However, he is not a kid that wants to crawl into bed, under the covers and watch a cartoon.  He doesn't sit on your lap and snuggle while you read a book.  He doesn't cuddle...

I have tendencies to be kind of an insomniac.  Things keep me awake at night.  When I sleep, it is broken.  I usually go on a streak until my mind and body just break and I sleep for, like, 7 hours. (yeah, that's alot)

I felt like last night was that night... I feel asleep around 10 and it enveloped me.  Unfortunately,it didn't last... looking at the clock every 15 minutes...

Baby Boy came into my room around 3:00 am.  Typically when he is up in the middle of the night, it is a single word command and back to bed... "Milk"... Last night his single word command was "Bed".

He crawled up into bed, snuggled into my neck, put his hand on my cheek and went to sleep... I closed my eyes and the alarm went off at 5:30.  Two and a half hours and I felt like I had slept for a week!  I turned off the alarm and crawled back into bed with my 'non-snuggly" boy and just felt him sleeping next to me for the next 15 minutes... I can't remember a morning that I have gotten out of bed happier...

This is reason # 975 why I love my boy more than life...

Reasons # 3231 and 973

Bean got to give her 'perfect' gift to her "Secret Valentine" "B"... It was a silly MnM dispenser... He told her that he always wanted one, so she is thrilled!!!!

"B" was also Beans "Secret Valentine" (which made her very happy) and he got her some heart shaped peanut butter cups... You would've thought it was diamonds....

JJ even had a special admirer today.  "C" and JJ have been very close since day one...  "C" got JJ a special Valentine Truck.... What better way to melt a two year olds heart... JJ gave "C" a special valentine...

I love that my children's hearts are so open... They love and give freely... 

My little stinkin' heartbreakers.... These are reasons # 3,231 and 973 why I love my kiddos more than life...

Reason # 3230

For the last few days, Bean has been mentioning, kind of off handedly, that she is "nervous" about Monday (V-Day)... At first, I thought that it was because her "Secret Valentine" is a boy that she happens to be really close to.  

The kids are supposed to exchange a gift with their "Secret Valentine" on Monday ($1.00).  We went to Target on Saturday and she is looking for stuff in the dollar section... She's rejecting everything....

"B" won't really like this..."

So I told her that we could break the $1.00 rule if she found something else (under $5.00).  

"Oh yeah!!!! "B" will like this... Now we have to wrap it!"

Wait, Bean- I don't think you have to get all fancy and wrap it...

"Oh here's a bag!  Red is his favorite color.  This is perfect... I'm really nervous about Monday..."

Fast Forward to Sunday... Running errands...

"Mom, can we go get Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream?  That would really help me feel less nervous about Monday..."

I'm on my way to get some coffee, anyway, so what the heck...

While looking at the gift for "B"... "Mom, I really need to put red tissue paper in this.. that would make it perfect... I'm kind of nervous about Monday..."

So we run out and get red tissue paper...

While driving in the car... "Mom, what if no one puts there name on there Valentine Box.  How will I know which card goes in which box?"  I reply, "Beanie, It's not gonna be that complicated... You've done card exchanges before... If you get confused, just ask your teacher for help..."

After a few minutes of silence, she just bursts into laughter.... HUGE laughter... "Bean... What's so funny???"

She looks at me, and in a very mocking tone says- "I'm soooooooo nervous about Monday..... hahahahahaha!!!!!  Mom- I tricked you!!!!!! hahahahah!!!!!!!"

She has been workin' me all weekend to get what she wants... I couldn't help but burst out in laughter, too... She just makes me laugh..

This is reason # 3,230 why I love my girl more than life...

Reason # 3229

Took Bean with me to see Matisyahu perform tonight.  It was a pretty small setting (2000 seat venue) and it was an acoustic set, which made it very cozy and intimate.

Halfway through the show he opens up the audience to Q&A.  Beans hand immediately flew up!  I'm thinking "What the heck can she possibly want to ask him?".  Alot of the questions being asked were about his music and his faith. Judaism, traveling to Israel.... kinda heavy stuff for her... Bean is patiently waiting with her hand up and I whisper in her ear, "What is your question?".  She turns to me with the serious face that only Ellie has a way of pulling off... Her question has no humor in it and she really is curious...

"I want to know if he has a cat."

She never did get called on to ask her question, but if she had I hope that he would have appreciated her innocence....

This is reason # 3,229 why I love my girl more than life...