Ashamed...

Shame... or rather, Ashamed...

As we go through our lives, regardless of our beliefs or hopes or desire to believe... there is real life...

Real life has caused me to be jaded and skeptical... Who can you really trust?  Why should you trust in them?  Isn't everything just a scam, anyway????

I remember a time when I was the first one to pull out my spare change, or a dollar or two, to hand to everyone I saw... I encouraged Bean to hand the dollars to those that we believed were needy...

Now, every time that I see someone on a street corner, I assume that it's a scam... He's not really a Vet... He's not really sick... He's not really homeless... I've seen the news stories... They just don't want to work.... They make more money begging on the street corner...

Then, for a flash moment, I envision myself and my kids if the tides had turned for us... What if I needed to beg to get food for my kids... I'm not too proud... But, who would believe that it's true?  Not just another scam? Right around this time, the stoplight changes to green, and I can drive away and ponder...

This past weekend, I was at church and had just finished volunteering... I was feeling pretty good about doing something good... I went to the cafe to buy a bottle of water and while I was in line a man walked up across the line from me... He was clearly disheveled and looking longingly at the food on the counter across from us.... I tried to make eye contact with him, but he was focused on the food, yet hanging back... I knew that he needed to have something to eat and couldn't pay for it and my first instinct was to ask him what he needed... but my jaded mind kicked in... I hesitated... even though in my heart I 'knew' he needed something that coud have easily provided to him....

During that moment of hesitation, a person a few spaces back in line from me reached out to him... "Hey, Buddy, can I get you something?"  He replied, humbly, "Those bagels are too hard for me... Can I get a donut?"  The person behind me replied "Sure... Go get yourself a drink, too... I'll pay for it"...

I paid for my water and walked away crying, feeling very ashamed...

What fear and blackness in my heart would cause me to turn my back on someone that I so clearly knew in my heart was in need?

I know that, in this day and age, you need to be cautious... But, when do you let caution go and just believe that your heart is right?

One of my resolutions for this New Year is to let go of some of that caution and just trust my heart....

If I can do it for just one person, just for a frikkin' donut...

I can't remember the last time that I've felt so badly about doing something... Rather, NOT doing something...

Reason # 3,551

3,551... The Most Beautiful Girl in the World...

As I go through life with my 'special' kid, I realize more and more how important the NORMAL things are...

When Bean was younger, Birthday Party Invites were every weekend...

Because parents dictated the invitation list... You invite EVERYONE that your kid knows... You are forming relationships... 

As your child grows up, they form opinions about who is, and is not invited...

Kids begin to realize who is cool in their circle and who is not cool in their circle....

Bean has gotten less and less invites over the years...

Pre-teen girls have different standards... They are beginning to really get the 'real life' stuff... They don't want to hang with the weak ones that can be left behind....

They don't want the 'not cool' ones, the 'ugly' ones, the 'ones that don't fit in'....

We went to a party tonight... With an awesome group of girls... Who 'Got It'....

They know she is different, but, they include her in everything.... Their were a lot of girls tonight that had never met her before, but, not once, did I have to make the "Speech"... 

Not once did I have to explain about her differences....

Win/ Win...

But, this party also reminds me of the umpteenth other times that I have fend away all the other kids that call her 'weird' or 'ugly'....

Tonight was such an incredible blessing... I didn't have to bring out the speech....

But, I know that I will have to bring it out a million more times... 

Reason # 3,551... The Most Beautiful Girl in the World...

Reasons # 3,543 and 1,296... The Reasons Why I Love...

Reasons # 1,296 and 3,543... Alternate title "WTF????????"

I opened up my news browser and three of the first stories that came across were about young children and their untimely deaths at the hands of a 'loved one'.

1) "Grandma Jailed for Tossing Tot to Death"

2) "Mom Drowns Baby Live on Internet"

3) "New Tactic in Search for Missing Boy"

My heart is in pieces and my stomach is turning and my mind is, simply, confused....  How do these things happen???  There are so many people who are so desperate to have children in their lives to love.  There are so many people who have children that hold them dear, treasures to their hearts.  There are so many people who struggle and fight to keep their little ones alive and safe and healthy.  There are so many who grieve the ones that they have lost, far too soon...

How does this happen?  Let me break down each story for you...

1) "Grandma Jailed for Tossing Tot to Death"

Grandmother tosses a two year old off of a sixth story walkway.  Her 'excuse' is that the baby interfered with her daughters chances at a better life.  The child was an inconvenience.  She did not approve of the childs father....

2) "Mom Drowns Baby Live on Internet"

While looking for ways to 'discipline' her one year old for being too much of an inconvenience, she goes on line, on Skype with her boyfriend, and they 'discipline the child by holding her under the water... The child ultimately drowned...

3) "New Tactic in Search for Missing Boy"

After a mother gives multiple conflicting stories about her toddlers whereabouts, and is simply unable to determine to authorities where the child is after several days of being missing, the police have finally resorted to Cadaver Dogs to try to determine his fate...

If I don't know where my children are for an instant, I'm thrown into a panic... I can't tell you how many parents laugh at meat the park and playground... If I lose sight and sound of them, I will stop a conversation with the adult that I am talking with... I crouch down, like, in Tiger mode... I put on my 'listening ears'... My mind races to remember what color shirt they are wearing, so that I can focus on that while I scan the area... When I see them, I am instantly relieved and go on with my conversation...

I've, obviously heard these stories before, but over the last 9 1/2 years, I can't hear them with the same ears... As a parent, I can't fathom how the fuck this happens...  I understand that sometimes, arguably, there is mental illness involved and extreme circumstances... But this is no longer isolated 'Susan Smith' cases... It's EVERYDAY.... Several times a day...

I don't understand where the hard wiring of being maternal or paternal goes THAT wrong....

I'm listening to the kiddos snoring in the next room, and I am so comforted that they are close to me... But, I will go to sleep very sad tonight, grieving for these children that just wanted and needed and craved to be with their parents...

Reasons # 3,543 and 1,296... The Reasons Why I Love...

Reason # 3,541

Reason # 3,541

vul·ner·a·ble: adjective

1. Capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

2. Open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: a argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

3.(of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

As we get prepared for another round of ortho and dental appointments, It made me feel kind of reflective... I forced myself to look at my personal fear of doctors and really take a good, hard look at what Beanie goes through... Being vulnerable...

The idea of laying on my back and having my mouth wide open brings on absolute panic attacks... Like, shoot me up with wine in my IV... Like, give me valium or something, to take away the anxiety... Like, I would rather stand in a room full of strangers and give a speech... And, if you know me, you know that the concept is debilitating...

And yet, she goes in... Like a Warrior... an absolute Fortress of Strength...

I feel ashamed that I have been so aloof that she should be so strong...

Oh, She's a tough kiddo... This is nothing for her...

If I were faced with the same shit, I would be crawled up in a corner and shaking and spitting and cursing...

Yet, she has this grace and strength and fortitude....

She is vulnerable to very few things in this hard, cold, cruel world...

I don't know, exactly, where she managed to get this overwhelming ability to just overcome everything...

She makes me embarrassed about my silly hang ups...

One of my resolutions this year is to try to feel less vulnerable....

Funny what a 9 year old can teach you about life...

She is the Reason Why I Love...