Ashamed...

Shame... or rather, Ashamed...

As we go through our lives, regardless of our beliefs or hopes or desire to believe... there is real life...

Real life has caused me to be jaded and skeptical... Who can you really trust?  Why should you trust in them?  Isn't everything just a scam, anyway????

I remember a time when I was the first one to pull out my spare change, or a dollar or two, to hand to everyone I saw... I encouraged Bean to hand the dollars to those that we believed were needy...

Now, every time that I see someone on a street corner, I assume that it's a scam... He's not really a Vet... He's not really sick... He's not really homeless... I've seen the news stories... They just don't want to work.... They make more money begging on the street corner...

Then, for a flash moment, I envision myself and my kids if the tides had turned for us... What if I needed to beg to get food for my kids... I'm not too proud... But, who would believe that it's true?  Not just another scam? Right around this time, the stoplight changes to green, and I can drive away and ponder...

This past weekend, I was at church and had just finished volunteering... I was feeling pretty good about doing something good... I went to the cafe to buy a bottle of water and while I was in line a man walked up across the line from me... He was clearly disheveled and looking longingly at the food on the counter across from us.... I tried to make eye contact with him, but he was focused on the food, yet hanging back... I knew that he needed to have something to eat and couldn't pay for it and my first instinct was to ask him what he needed... but my jaded mind kicked in... I hesitated... even though in my heart I 'knew' he needed something that coud have easily provided to him....

During that moment of hesitation, a person a few spaces back in line from me reached out to him... "Hey, Buddy, can I get you something?"  He replied, humbly, "Those bagels are too hard for me... Can I get a donut?"  The person behind me replied "Sure... Go get yourself a drink, too... I'll pay for it"...

I paid for my water and walked away crying, feeling very ashamed...

What fear and blackness in my heart would cause me to turn my back on someone that I so clearly knew in my heart was in need?

I know that, in this day and age, you need to be cautious... But, when do you let caution go and just believe that your heart is right?

One of my resolutions for this New Year is to let go of some of that caution and just trust my heart....

If I can do it for just one person, just for a frikkin' donut...

I can't remember the last time that I've felt so badly about doing something... Rather, NOT doing something...